Wednesday, October 10, 2018
As I've traveled the country, I'm always amazed at the names of towns and parks … only in America could one come up these names. I've across things like Ugly Toad Park—did they see an ugly toad and they named it as such? What were they thinking? We also have Climax, Georgia. Did someone have his or her first climax there?
We also have Boring, Oregon—if it was so boring, why did they homestead there? We also have Boring, Maryland. Oregon is also home to Idiotville—what the hell were they thinking? Were the town's people all idiots that escaped from a mental institution? One of my favorites is Hooker, Oklahoma—was the first resident there a hooker? And right next door to me is Assawoman, Maryland—did someone glance at woman with a large ass? And then we have Roachtown, Illinois—did they get overrun by roaches?
Of course, not to be outdone, we have Squabbletown, California—I'm assuming they fought a lot about what to name the town. And California also is home to Weed; which is a correct name given that they passed a Marijuana Bill last year. And then again, we have Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky—who, in their right mind, would like to put that as their return address? And then we have Belchertown, Massachusetts—the mayor must have belched a lot when he named that town. I'm considering moving to Loveladies, New Jersey real soon if they have lovely ladies there. I'll get on the Internet and check out the women.
And who could ever forget Hell, Michigan. Was it hotter than hell when they named the town? Or we have Hellhole, Idaho. I don't think I will not be moving there anytime soon—if ever. Twice a year, I go through Tennessee and see the road sign for Dismal—there is no way I'm stopping in that town—life can be pretty dismal as it is. There is no way I will be moving anytime soon to Disappointment, Kentucky. Between dismal and disappointment, that pretty much sums up my existence.
I may consider moving to Hopeulikit, Georgia—though Georgia isn't my first choice of states to live in. As I winter in Arizona, there is always Why, Arizona—I'm guessing the early homesteaders asked the question, why live here? If not there, how about Nothing, Arizona, or Whynot, Mississippi. Or, you can always go to Deadhorse, Alaska and see dead horses first hand, if you don't mind the smell of dead horses.
And what about Burnt Corn, Alabama? I've never been there and hopefully I will never be there—as I hate the smell of burnt corn. And returning to Arkansas, we have Possum Grape—maybe they named it after the possum's scat—which is feces to most of us. And then we have Boogertown, North Carolina—I'm thinking another town to ignore. Not to be outdone by Boogertown, we have Fleatown in Ohio, in Licking County, no less, they must lick their fleas there—I'm assuming they are pretty good sized fleas.
And why in God's name would the town's folks in Texas name their little town Looneyville—I don't care that it was named after the first guy to receive the town's mail, with a name of John Looney, I would have tarred and feathered him and run him out of town. Oh, while you are visiting Looneyville, you may want to pass through Jot-Em-Down, also in Texas. Are the Texan's really loony? My first choice would be Hooker, Oklahoma, or Hooker Hole in Louisiana—I really need to go out in style when I croak. I'm going to Hell, Michigan anyway.
They should really combine the towns of Hooker and Intercourse, Pennsylvania—same difference. Intercourse was formerly Cross Keys (founded in 1754). And to think it is in Amish country; what will they think of next? And now we have No Name, Colorado—apparently they couldn't come with a name. I'm thinking that on the ballot they had to choose between Looneyville and Boogertown, so they opted for No Name.
I seriously believe that Arkansas is the winner, with names like Fifty-Six, Romance, Smackover, Flippin and Weiner—and Texas would be a close second, even though all of the names above would garner an honorable mention. I still have to question the lunacy of the people who thought up those names.